My mom is still alive, but I have no mother. There was no one to call today or send a card to because she doesn't know what a phone or card is anymore. So on one hand I enjoyed the acts of service my children did for me today, but I may have enjoyed just laying in bed watching TV with my husband more. I did not have much energy today, but I didn't want to be alone either.
Grieving for the dead while they are still alive is hard on a heart. There aren't as many tears anymore, but it's easy to just avoid calling home too. Out of sight, out of mine is not entirely true but it helps.
I suppose there are millions of women that live in this reality. Several of my friends have lost children and mothers, so Mother's Day is always bittersweet at best. I know the intention of the day is to honor mom's because we do so much behind the scenes. (Oh, that is so true!) But there is this whole other group of women who have a mother and yet the relationship is broken. A friend of mine years ago suggested that Hallmark begin a collection of cards that actually tell the truth about many parent/child relationships. Cards that say "Nice try, but I will take it from here." or "I'm really hoping to be able to say I love you before you die." I'm not sure they would sell, but they would validate the broken hearts of millions of people.
However, I am extremely grateful for the years of healing that has allowed me to show kindness to my mother now. I still have limitations, but I am amazed how much love is in my heart for my mom. I did not believe that would ever happen and yet God has done it. I think he enjoys the challenge of fixing the impossible. For many years that is what it felt like. Impossible.
But this poses a different challenge. Grief with no closure. I can think of a number of situations that would generate the same feelings. The abduction of a child or the death of soldier without ever reclaiming the body might feel like endless grief. Our grief, however, will end at some point. We just don't know when or how. It is a terrible feeling that weighs on your heart and consumes your energy without even realizing it.
In the meantime, we are all starting to think about life after Alzheimer's. My father's health is always a bit on the edge. But I can hear it in his voice. He is turning the corner and starting to look around him at what comes next. Honestly, I am afraid to do that yet. "Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick." Alzheimer's seems like a recipe for a sick heart.
The other day, I asked some friends of mine to pray my mother would die soon. It felt freeing and terrible all at the same time. A couple of days later, I called home and my Dad said my Mom kept leaving the house and running into the street. I don't even know what that feeling is. It's probably a long list of feelings that all add up to overwhelming. But who does not feel overwhelmed by Alzheimer's?
So today is mother's day. If I look behind me, I am sad and hopeless thinking about my mother's prison, but if I look in front of me, I am proud and hopeful for the amazing kids I see before me.
Lord Jesus help me live in the balance but please bring peace to my mother soon. Amen
