This has become a pretty difficult day on the calendar for me. What do you do when your mother is alive and yet there is no way to connect with her? Do you celebrate? Do you mourn? As usual the answer is both.
Today I found myself missing even my grandma who passed away over 25 years ago. It amazes me how we carry people with us.
But what am I missing exactly?
Both my mother and grandmother were very capable women. They both had strong personalities and became the bread winners in their families. Neither of them was very good at nurturing. They got stuff done. But even in the midst of their doing, I felt seen from time to time.
My mother knew my favorite pie was rhubarb. She would make me a small personal pie on my birthday each year that wasn't contaminated with strawberries. The best part was that I didn't have to share it with anyone. She knew me well enough to know how special that was to me and I felt seen.
My grandmother made clothes every Christmas for the grand kids and she knew my arms were just a bit longer than and my shoulders a bit broader than her patterns, so she altered them. They were the best fitting shirts I ever wore and I felt seen.
As a mother myself, I work very hard to make sure my children feel seen. I am not always successful. I've even forgotten to pick them up from time to time after an event. (I do have 4 kids!) But I know the details of their lives from personality likes and dislikes, to learning styles, to what they order at Steak and Shake. I am hopeful they will look back and know they were seen in a myriad of ways by their mother.
So today I miss being seen by those two women. But I can also be thankful for the small graces of being seen amidst the difficulties of our lives growing up. We all have trouble getting past our own sin in order to love others well.
I still love and look for rhubarb pie when I go to a restaurant. It's hard to find.
I deeply long for the day I can afford a tailor to alter my clothes they way grandma did.
Thankfully God has surrounded me with Godly women who mother me well day in and day out. I am blessed.
But I miss my mom and grandma. So today I will celebrate and mourn the mother's in my life.
