The pace begins to slow

Recently my daughter and I went on a whirlwind tour of Kankakee, IL and then up to my parents house for our shared birthday weekend. (There was a concert by Gungor in Kankakee :) We had a great relaxed day with my Dad and visited Willow Creek community church in Barrington that evening. My daughter had never been to a mega-church and they are definitely the definition of a mega-church. I must say, it was pretty outstanding!

I have often brought home my oldest daughter who has always had a special connection to my mother. My oldest is very outgoing and just seemed to take Alzheimer's in stride as my mother deteriorated. She was also able to offer my mom the physical touch I knew she craved, but I simply could not provide. My mother's touch has always been hard for me. She just seemed to always be attempting to steal something from me when she hugged me. However, since she became vacant, I can hug her now. The feeling of being controlled is gone. In fact when I hug her now I usually tell her it's ok to go home now. I look forward to our time together in heaven and meeting the woman she was created to be.

But my second daughter is me in so many ways. We scare each other sometimes at how much we have in common. So this seemed to be much harder on her heart than my oldest. On this visit, my mother's pace had significantly slowed. She did not wander as much and she had trouble moving from one place to the next. She slept more and we saw no smiles. For me this is just a very slow and painful progression until the end. For my second however, this was abrupt. She was very overwhelmed and slept quite a bit herself. But what do you say? How do you help them? I hugged her and we cried together. What else was there to do? There are no Christian bumper stickers that heal this wound or put a happy face on it.

My pain is one thing, but then you have to manage your kids pain as well. My one hope is they see my love for my family, despite my years of anger and they realize that God changes lives and uses everything in our lives to draw us to himself. Blessings and suffering are used in the same way by God to humble us and care for us. This is very counter culture for us as Americans, even American christians.

Somewhere in here, over the many sad and difficult years, God gave us the gift of suffering. Only now do we see it's beauty.

What is death?

When I come to visit now, mom has no idea who I am anymore. It is over. For my last 3 visits, there has not even been a moment when she seems to know who I am. Why does that hurt so much?

We all saw it coming. The literature is very clear that this is how the disease progresses. I can do the emotional math and yet I cannot get my heart to stop yearning. This may be the ultimate pain of a mental disease. They are still alive but you can not gain access to them anymore. Death has to be redefined. She is alive. She is in pretty good health. Our caregivers really enjoy her and she seems to enjoy them. She eats better than I do!

But she wanders. Sometimes she wanders with a little smile on her face like she knows something the rest of us don't and she's not sharing. Other times, she just wanders like she has lost something that will never be found no matter how long she looks. When she sits, she stares off into a place none of us can see. When she looks at me, she is vacant.

So is my mother alive or dead? I have no idea. I can't even define the most basic words of life anymore. I grieve but I'm not sure what for. I miss her even though she is standing right here.

I am, however, thankful that my anger seems to be gone. Somehow without talking to her, I've garnered a greater understanding of what life was probably like for her and why she was the mom she was. It has created a great compassion in me that has pushed out the anger that used to live here. I am grateful for that.

This weekend I came to visit and my Dad was sick. He seemed to start getting better as soon as I walked in the door. Maybe it was the antibiotics, but maybe hope and companionship are really the best medicine.

When I pray, all I have is "jesus". I am completely confused about all of it now, so I just pray "jesus" and hope he will fill in the rest.

I grieve when I come, but it is not without hope anymore. For many years it was just completely overwhelming and now its not so bad and my Dad, brother and I are closer than ever before.

How did God do that? No idea.

Jade

My father lost his dog last month. It was a heart breaking time for all of us. What an amazing dog she was! I really don't know how my father would have gotten through these years of mom's disease without Jade. She brought so much joy to Him as his "big boofer dog" and she ran like clock work in a world of chaos. She had a schedule in her head and she made sure everyone stayed on schedule. Up in the morning, snacks, and bathroom runs were around the same time everyday. No matter what was going on. As mom's memory faded she knew how to coax mom into more snacks as well. She was a true friend and a little fat at the end from all the extra snacks.

But she was also the safe companion my father needed to walk with him through all the madness of Alzhiemers. She never judged my Dad or gave him advice on how to proceed. Surprisingly she was a rather talkative dog in that my Dad supplied a running dialog with her as if he could read her thoughts. I suppose it is how the introverted create company without having to pick up the phone.

I have always had a lot of thoughts about what we need to do or think about for the future or fix about the present. My Dad has been gracious to listen and implement some of those things. But what he has really needed is a travel buddy and Jade did that for him. It was a big loss for him. We all felt it and my brother helped my Dad bury her behind the barn in the cold ground of winter.

As I've kept my eye on the situation at home, I've been looking for signs of depression from my Dad. But amazingly he seems to be doing well. After a dog dies in our family, I always hear the speech about how that was the last dog and how my father's heart couldn't handle another dog. But eventually another dog always shows up. So far no dog and Dad seems to be doing ok and spring is almost here. So I don't know if Dad is just in a better place or Jade just did her job really well, but we are all beginning to feel hope again. It feels like sunshine.