Yesterday, my father and brother and I planned my mother's funeral as she sat in the other room with my daughter. Her mind is far away and she has lost most everything accept the ability to sleep. Praise God for that gift. She really has no idea who we are, but she is not afraid of us, so she must believe we are kind and that she is safe.
But this was the first time she had no response to me walking in the door. I had tried to prepare my heart for it, but how do you even do that? Amazingly, my daughter can still make her smile. The pride and thankfulness in my heart towards my daughter is overwhelming to me. She needed 7 hours of K-Pop videos to wind down, but I really don't care. We all have our ways of coping.
I sang to my mother in tears yesterday. She seemed to enjoy it even though my voice was weak much of the time. Early this morning, while she slept, I thanked her for trying to love me despite her brokenness and I asked her to forgive me for my many years of anger. The Lord spoke on her behalf and said it was ok.
There is not much time left now though I am sure it will feel like forever as we wait for the end. This morning my father helped her to the bathroom and even though the dogs were eager to go out, they both just sat down and waited patiently for my father to finish with my mom. I wonder if they understand what's happening here better than we do.
Somehow in the midst of it all, my father and brother and I have laughed a lot. Scott and I even had a show down over our Dad's favorite candy bar. We went to the store and got a few things including two candy bars that we both were convinced our Dad loved more than the other one. So we set them on the table with a note: "Which one is your favorite?" I lost. I am sure Scott will remind me of that for many years to come. Somehow in the midst of it all, there is still some joy.
So I cry and I write and I wait. But my heart is blessed just watching my father care from my mother. There is no way I would have ever chosen this path, but I see God's hand in it and in the midst of my sorrow, I can be thankful and even find peace.
Thank you Jesus
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Home Stretch... Maybe
My mom fell last week and hurt herself badly. The harder part was that my Dad found her semi-unconcious with blood coming from her mouth and nose. He had to call the ambulance and take her to the ER. She only spent a couple days in the hospital, but the time leading up to and since coming home have set a tone that we may be in the home stretch.
She doesn't really eat or drink much now. She is always tired and she can't really hold a conversation with you. The Hospice people are involved now and they haven't given her much time left unless things change. The Hospice people, God's angels of mercy on earth, tend to know their stuff.
So I cried tonight for her and begged God not to let it all happen while Scott is in jail. That will wound his heart deeply. I listened to Danny boy to help me grieve and I spent some time on a funeral check list website.
I've never understood our culture's goodbye process. At a time when all you want to do is nothing, you have to do everything. You have to figure out the details, tell everyone and then help them grieve when it seems like the thing you need most is to grieve yourself. Yes, it feels good to hear so many good words from others about your loved one, but why is it our job to help them grieve? I've been to several funerals and even took on the title of the "the funeral singer" for a time, but I've never actually planned one. So perhaps I am way off on this. We shall see.
My Father said it well tonight when we talked. "You don't want to see them go, but you can't watch them suffer anymore either." I don't even know the range of feeling words to capture that statement. But there is a long list of them.
So tonight, I believe in heaven not because I read it in a book, but because I want to believe that a good God has created a beautiful place for my mother to rest. No more sorrow, no more pain. A place where we will meet again and we will know each other fully in ways this life would not allow us to enjoy. A place where the love she has wandered the planet looking for, will finally be found and will be completely hers. A home with Jesus.
If none of it is actually true, I would rather just die deceived than to live in a different reality. I have wrestled with my doubt long enough to know that none of us will ever know with absolute certainty anything. Jesus is enough for me. He said it. He died for it. I believe it.
Come Jesus Come.
She doesn't really eat or drink much now. She is always tired and she can't really hold a conversation with you. The Hospice people are involved now and they haven't given her much time left unless things change. The Hospice people, God's angels of mercy on earth, tend to know their stuff.
So I cried tonight for her and begged God not to let it all happen while Scott is in jail. That will wound his heart deeply. I listened to Danny boy to help me grieve and I spent some time on a funeral check list website.
I've never understood our culture's goodbye process. At a time when all you want to do is nothing, you have to do everything. You have to figure out the details, tell everyone and then help them grieve when it seems like the thing you need most is to grieve yourself. Yes, it feels good to hear so many good words from others about your loved one, but why is it our job to help them grieve? I've been to several funerals and even took on the title of the "the funeral singer" for a time, but I've never actually planned one. So perhaps I am way off on this. We shall see.
My Father said it well tonight when we talked. "You don't want to see them go, but you can't watch them suffer anymore either." I don't even know the range of feeling words to capture that statement. But there is a long list of them.
So tonight, I believe in heaven not because I read it in a book, but because I want to believe that a good God has created a beautiful place for my mother to rest. No more sorrow, no more pain. A place where we will meet again and we will know each other fully in ways this life would not allow us to enjoy. A place where the love she has wandered the planet looking for, will finally be found and will be completely hers. A home with Jesus.
If none of it is actually true, I would rather just die deceived than to live in a different reality. I have wrestled with my doubt long enough to know that none of us will ever know with absolute certainty anything. Jesus is enough for me. He said it. He died for it. I believe it.
Come Jesus Come.
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