Planning a funeral for the living

Yesterday, my father and brother and I planned my mother's funeral as she sat in the other room with my daughter. Her mind is far away and she has lost most everything accept the ability to sleep. Praise God for that gift. She really has no idea who we are, but she is not afraid of us, so she must believe we are kind and that she is safe.

But this was the first time she had no response to me walking in the door. I had tried to prepare my heart for it, but how do you even do that? Amazingly, my daughter can still make her smile. The pride and thankfulness in my heart towards my daughter is overwhelming to me. She needed 7 hours of K-Pop videos to wind down, but I really don't care. We all have our ways of coping.

I sang to my mother in tears yesterday. She seemed to enjoy it even though my voice was weak much of the time. Early this morning, while she slept, I thanked her for trying to love me despite her brokenness and I asked her to forgive me for my many years of anger. The Lord spoke on her behalf and said it was ok.

There is not much time left now though I am sure it will feel like forever as we wait for the end. This morning my father helped her to the bathroom and even though the dogs were eager to go out, they both just sat down and waited patiently for my father to finish with my mom. I wonder if they understand what's happening here better than we do.

Somehow in the midst of it all, my father and brother and I have laughed a lot. Scott and I even had a show down over our Dad's favorite candy bar. We went to the store and got a few things including two candy bars that we both were convinced our Dad loved more than the other one. So we set them on the table with a note: "Which one is your favorite?" I lost. I am sure Scott will remind me of that for many years to come. Somehow in the midst of it all, there is still some joy.

So I cry and I write and I wait. But my heart is blessed just watching my father care from my mother. There is no way I would have ever chosen this path, but I see God's hand in it and in the midst of my sorrow, I can be thankful and even find peace.

Thank you Jesus