Updates

I've started to hate the question "How is your mom?" I know it's usually asked with a compassionate heart that desires to come along side me in my pain. Occasionally, I do get the question from someone who is just looking for information and I am surprised and convicted by how bad that feels. I know I've done it to others, so I try not to be harsh, but I also don't feel the need to always answer their question. Sometimes, I even just steer clear of those folks, because it only adds to my pain. Thankfully, I've given myself permission to do that now.

But how do you answer this question when the answer is always going to be "Bad." My mother is doing bad. She is dying. She may die soon or she may linger on in this ghostly state for years. But she is not well nor is she ever going to be well again. So I am debating asking my friends to just not ask me anymore. To trust me that I will bring it up if I need to talk but that the question just hurts now and the answer will not change anymore.

I know they ask because they care, but can caring look like not asking? Just be with me now. I'm so tired of talking. Just sit in this room and be with me. There's nothing else to figure out. Just wait with me so I don't have to wait alone. That's really all my heart needs right now.