What is death?

When I come to visit now, mom has no idea who I am anymore. It is over. For my last 3 visits, there has not even been a moment when she seems to know who I am. Why does that hurt so much?

We all saw it coming. The literature is very clear that this is how the disease progresses. I can do the emotional math and yet I cannot get my heart to stop yearning. This may be the ultimate pain of a mental disease. They are still alive but you can not gain access to them anymore. Death has to be redefined. She is alive. She is in pretty good health. Our caregivers really enjoy her and she seems to enjoy them. She eats better than I do!

But she wanders. Sometimes she wanders with a little smile on her face like she knows something the rest of us don't and she's not sharing. Other times, she just wanders like she has lost something that will never be found no matter how long she looks. When she sits, she stares off into a place none of us can see. When she looks at me, she is vacant.

So is my mother alive or dead? I have no idea. I can't even define the most basic words of life anymore. I grieve but I'm not sure what for. I miss her even though she is standing right here.

I am, however, thankful that my anger seems to be gone. Somehow without talking to her, I've garnered a greater understanding of what life was probably like for her and why she was the mom she was. It has created a great compassion in me that has pushed out the anger that used to live here. I am grateful for that.

This weekend I came to visit and my Dad was sick. He seemed to start getting better as soon as I walked in the door. Maybe it was the antibiotics, but maybe hope and companionship are really the best medicine.

When I pray, all I have is "jesus". I am completely confused about all of it now, so I just pray "jesus" and hope he will fill in the rest.

I grieve when I come, but it is not without hope anymore. For many years it was just completely overwhelming and now its not so bad and my Dad, brother and I are closer than ever before.

How did God do that? No idea.