Praying for death

Is it wrong to pray for death? My mother can barely walk anymore, but she eats well and occasionally you get a word out of her. But largely she sits in a wheel chair and stares off into space. I know that mobility and appetite are the final two signs before death. Her appetite is just fine, but she can fall at any moment, so the wheel chair is important. My Dad needs more help and he is getting it from good people, but you can see the toll the entire thing is taking on him; physically, emotionally, and financially. My prayer is to not lose him before I lose my mother. It can feel selfish, but it's what I want.

I took my girls home for a couple days to say goodbye to their grandmother and celebrate the new year with my Dad. My oldest wept and held my mother's hand and sat next to her over the two days we were in town. She just found a way to make a connection with my mom. It was very beautiful.

My Dad and I updated our end game plan, just in case. That is a difficult reality when walking down the path of Alzheimer's. You need to keep an eye on the future and as the situation takes different turns, make adjustments. What if Dad dies right now? What happens to mom? What do we do with Dad's VA benefits and the house? How do my brother and I work together in a way that doesn't destroy us or create hard feelings? You must be brave enough to keep asking these questions and as time drags on, you must be persistent and yet thoughtful. It is quite the balancing act.

I told my Dad I was praying for death. I don't know how to feel about it, but I want this chapter to end now for many reasons, but partly for my oldest. She is hoping to be oversees this next summer and next year. It will be devastating if my mother dies while she is gone. But I also just want it all to be over now. We are all surrendered to God's timing, but this is my heart's cry. Let us move on and let her go home. I know my Father will be lost for awhile, but maybe not as long as you think. I can feel his weariness. It feels like it's time.

Lord Jesus be with us as we wait on you, but please take her home soon for everyone's sake. Amen.