Christmas is upon us. In November my mother turned 71 and I asked my Dad to tell her Happy Birthday for me. What else is there now? There is no awareness of anything. Even if she looks at you, she looks through you. I never really understood the power of the eyes to communicate such an array of emotion but when someone looks through you it is heart breaking. So is everything about our current situation.
I recently went home because my father and brother both had heart attacks on the same day. Dad over exerted himself in the snow and my brother's drinking is destroying him from the inside out. But its more than that. The sadness of our seemingly never ending situation has simply taken an immense toll on all of us. Each of us is suffering in a way the others don't fully understand. My father has his own health issues, but the money is starting to run out again too. Each milestone has to be faced with hard decisions. Mom can't move anymore. She is completely dead weight and this takes a huge toll on anyone offering her care. We are very close to the bed ridden stage which becomes an endless chase after bed sores. Our caregiver did such a great job in that area, but one hospital visit and Mom came home with two large sores that just won't heal. It is all so hard to watch and understand Jesus.
During my time at home, I stayed overnight with my Mom while the boys were both in the hospital. She makes no sounds. Her days and nights are completely lost. But my Dad has one request; that she not spend the night in her mess. Food goes in and food goes out now. That's it. She can't even feed herself and she can choke on her own spit at any time. So she is fed with a syringe and everything is pudding like. So when the Lord awoke me in the middle of night I cleaned her mess. I also almost vomited and I also received the blessing of caring for a woman who spent so much of her life trying to care for me. I did it for only one night. My respect for my father and our caregiver is enormous. Very few people are willing to serve at this level even when they are being paid. Thank you.
So how do we find life while living under a shroud of death? We keep living. We cry out to Jesus and accept what He gives us as for our good. There is no understanding now. Perhaps one day there will be but maybe not. We are not trying to put a happy face on it. We are simply asking Jesus to carry us through the valley of the shadow of death. We live by faith not by sight.
This is where my heart is broken for my brother. He does not know God's goodness. He is being crushed under the weight of the shame, guilt and sadness of this horrific situation. I went home to see him in the hospital. I knew my Dad would bounce back and just needed the break. But I can't imagine doing this without Jesus. My brother is constantly in my prayers now a days. I've also encouraged my Dad to not lean on him for help. I've spoken about it before, but you don't just leave the past in a separate space when the end is near. Sometimes, it's all you can think about and it cripples you in the present. I have peace with the past. My brother does not and I don't know how anyone does without Jesus.
We all have limitations. I have 4 kids at home and my daughter was really beat up by her time in Japan. I have been needed at home this fall. I must trust God in a different way. But I can see his mercies in the midst of the tragedy. My dog traveled with me. She is a wonderful companion on my trips. I was able to do several tasks for my Dad that will keep him safer. The birds and moon were simply beautiful in the snowy landscape. These are the gifts of Jesus. They are new every morning and they care for my soul and offer life in midst of death. Lord Jesus teach us all to see you and trust you with our pain.
Come Lord Jesus Come. Please take my mother home soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment