I am often surprised at the things God uses to show himself and care for my heart. The summer before I accepted God's love for me, I spent a month in Switzerland camping in the alps on a research project. I had always dreamed of becoming a field biologist. Switzerland is an incredibly beautiful place. Sitting in the alps and looking down on the glacier fed lakes with the blue skies above will take your breath away. It will also produce so much awe in your soul that you can't help but stop to thank someone for the pleasure of getting to experience it.
I remember that feeling pretty vividly. It's how I look at the birds in my backyard now. They have been there all along, but my life finally slowed down enough to see them and linger there long enough to feel the awe God intended. Birds are amazing in form and functionality. So many colors and patterns and the ability to fly is just incredible. The hummingbird is probably my favorite. Figure 8 wing patterns allow it to hover like a helicopter. Amazing!
During the many years of anger towards my mother, it often seemed my world was in constant chaos. Looking back, it probably was in constant chaos emotionally. Our circumstances will always seem to change, but our perspective will dictate how much the chaos of life impacts us.
My mother was a professional victim growing up. She played the role really well. She was a martyr half the time and a then in a state of self-pity the rest of the time. It is powerful form of control because it requires you to push back against someone who already seems beaten down. But the truth is they are controlling you by being the victim and you have to stand up to them which seems counter-intuitive. The other wicked element of your mom being a victim, is she is your role model.
If you had asked me 10 years ago, "Do you and your mom have much in common?" I would have flatly denied it. But the truth is I am a very good victim as well. It feels like the second layer of dysfunction. First you have to identify and deal with that person's sin, but second you have to look in the mirror and be willing to repent of the sin you've been perpetuating. Very messy and very not fun stuff. As a bonus, it goes to another level when you see the victim card showing up in your own daughter. It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. But this is reality and we need to face it if we are to no longer be controlled by it.
So for many years, I've been trying to forgive my mother while pealing away these layers of pain and shame and anger. It is a slow process. When she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I was not sad for her. I was seriously pissed off at her. My internal dialog was "You played the victim our whole lives growing up and controlled and manipulated us, and now you are actually a victim and we are forced to take care of you. Somehow the focus always stays on Mom!". It made me crazy, as if all the anger I had worked to drain off came back and I had made no progress at all.
Sadly black and white interpretations of life is also a legacy of our family. In truth, I had made tons of progress just to be able to see the reasons behind that spike of anger. But at the end of the day, God is fighting for my freedom. Freedom from the anger that binds me to my mother. Freedom from the "should" lists in my head. (both from my family and God's word). Freedom from being a victim myself.
See that is the kicker. My response to my mother's disease is that of a victim. "Whoas me, I am so afflicted and my life is not my own! She always wins, I never win. It will always be about her and never about me." My freedom is found in rejecting that lie and realizing I have choices. Often, we are victims because we allow ourselves to be victimized. You have a choice. Someone may have told you for a very long time that you don't have a choice, but that is not true. You do and you will always have a choice.
I can walk away from my mother. That is my choice. The truth is I only visit monthly because it's all I have to offer given my emotional health, my distance and my own family's season of life. Four teenagers keeps you moving and my husband travels internationally. I call my mom when I can and I have the emotional energy. I have had to accept my own limitations. That is a hard place to find and stay in, but it is so key to real freedom and not just adding to the bitterness of the victim mindset.
My mom is about 6 inches shorter than I am and yet has always felt twice my size. As this mantle of the victim falls away from me, she seems to be shrinking. I see her as a scared, broken woman now who has some really sweet elements to her that I did not get to see much as a kid. (for any number of reasons) So there is a growing sense of awe in the midst of the deep sadness. Recently she spoke to me about her daughter Andee. That was my name growing up. She had many good things to say about her daughter. Clearly she loved her very much and was so very proud of her. It is the affirmation I need as a mom of teenagers, and I am in awe that God found a way to offer it to me even in my mother's current state. It is a bittersweet blessing to be spoken of in the 3rd person, knowing your mother doesn't recognize you. But it cares for my soul in a way few things in this world can.
I never saw that coming. But it gives me hope that as I simply take the hand of Jesus in the midst of the sorrow and suffering and let him lead me, there will be blessing and kindness and freedom.
Thank you Jesus.
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