I recently read an article about a daughter who was caring for her mother with Alzhiemer's. She considered it her privilege to offer back to her mother some of the love she had received as a child. It was a beautiful article that made me cry and left me feeling not so alone.
But later I thought "But what if your mom was an angry bitch growing up, who could change on a dime and left you in a constant state of fear of setting her off?" How do you offer that woman the love and compassion she needs when Alzheimer's becomes her reality? Good question. That's how my journey began.
A friend of mine has always complained that Hallmark should have a division of cards that say things like "Happy Mother's Day Mom! I know you tried, but could you send me some money to cover my therapy costs?" I'm telling you that stuff would sell!
I've spent all my days as a mom trying to do something better for my kids. I have wanted desperately to break the cycle of dysfunction and generational sin in my family. Many of my old friends would look at my life now and say "Wow, great job!" I am married to wonderful man and have amazing kids. But it has been so damn hard to find the healing from my past in the midst of raising my family. To be honest, I did not agree with God's plan from the beginning. It made sense to me to just do all the healing first and then get married and start a family. But that was not God's plan.
My father is my mom's primary caregiver. He is a good man who has made a lot of mistakes in his marriage, but has spent the past 16 years repenting and rebuilding his life. Sadly many years of sin ages a body quickly, and even though my parents are only in their 60's, they seem 20 years ahead of the curve in their physical ailments. My Dad has continual heart problems and his stress level is always a concern.
So last week I gave my dad a break and brought my mother home for the week. The simple idea of even considering that made me cry in my counselor's office less than a year ago. But here I was driving her 6 hours away from her home to my home. I felt hopeful, but knew I needed Jesus to show up big if I was going to even get through the week.
But that is what He did. He showed up big. There has been a major transformation in me since coming to know Jesus. I've always wanted to believe that about myself and certainly my friends tell me that, but this week helped it become true to me. I am so amazed at how God has woven my life together. There are many wonderful memories along the way of good days and victories. But I'm starting to see that even the tragic days and times of sorrow,suffering and pain are beautiful.
I have no idea how long I will be on this road with my mother. Alzheimer's is a wicked disease that seems to ebb and flow as it chooses. To be honest my mother's health is improving because she is not in charge of it anymore. My father is very faithful with her meds and insulin. So here is a woman who's mind is in and out but may be improving in her physical health. Clearly I have no idea what Jesus is planning to do. But I am in it for the long haul.
Why? Because Jesus is in it for the long haul with me. Because Jesus loves me despite me. Because only good comes from the hand of my God even if it is bad. Because my mother needs care and compassion. And because despite all the anger and bitterness and hurt I have had towards my mother; I love her. Believe me, I've tried to get rid of that. It just never worked.
So here we have a beautiful tragedy for me. Designed by God for my good. That understanding changes everything.
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