When I was in college, I was always excited to go home and see my family. That seemed odd to me considering all I wanted to do in high school was get the hell out of there. Even well into my marriage, I could still feel an excitement swell up in me when I was getting ready to go home to see my folks. What is more amazing to me is that I was always disappointed after spending time at home. Always. It was like I went home every time thinking, "It will all work this time. I know I always leave hurt, angry or disappointed, but not this time. This time will be different." My counselor calls that "Magical Thinking". All children engage in magical thinking. This is why we take them to Disney World to meet the people they see in their movies. And we love it as adults! It nourishes our own souls to watch childhood dreams come true, even though its not really real and it costs us a butt load of money. And yet every parent does it, just to bring joy to their child and to be there when it happens.
I had a picture in my head this Thanksgiving. I believe it honored God but I also see it now, in retrospect, as the waining cries of a child's heart. For me, this weekend was a total train wreck. I left for Thanksgiving after a crazy busy week holding several broken promises from my husband before he boarded a plane to Italy. We had a big fight and a line was drawn in the sand before we could be reunited. Thankfully we traveled Thanksgiving day and cleaned the house before we left. Traffic wasn't bad and I let my daughter who is learning to drive take some of the load. However, any time it alleviated behind the wheel for me ended up as stress in my neck. By the time we got to my folks, I was having trouble using my right arm from the knot in my shoulder. (My daughter does not get all the credit for the stress:)
Shortly after arriving, my son began to vomit. Awesome! He was running a pretty high fever and literally sat in a chair for 24 hours before starting to feel better. Soon I started to get sick, then my other daughter. All the while, my arm was just throbbing from the pain. It got so bad, I found a massage therapist in town and got an hour of deep tissue massage. It helped somewhat, but I was pretty badly bruised afterwards and my mom kept grabbing my arm. Then the voices came. Angry voices of self-pity and doubt engulfed me. It felt like being in a hole with no way to get out. So after a day and night of pain and wrestling I decided to serve my way out of it. I gave my mother a bath and washed her hair. She can't seem to remember to wash her hair anymore when she showers. All the personal hygiene stuff is gone. I don't know where my mother goes when I wash her hair, but it is a happy place and she is at perfect rest. Other than playing music for her, it is probably the only way I know to always bless her now.
Our trip ended with my mom begging us not to go and crying a lot as usual, and then a 6 hour trip home becoming 9 hours due to traffic. I also enjoyed driving the majority of that time with a fever myself. Miserable.
However, for my Dad, he had a great weekend. He loved having the house full of family and not having to cook and just being with all of us. For my brother, he loved having my kids at his house and cooking with my son and playing video games with the kids. For my extended family, they came and spent time with my mom and it was impressive how much she was able to take part in the conversation. For my kids, even with all the sickness, they had a blast with their Uncle and going to see a movie as a big family. For my Mom, it was happy and sad and overwhelming and normal. And as usual, my dog was in heaven.
But for me, it felt like a train wreck. Physically, spiritually and emotionally, I was beat up all weekend. Just before we left I went to breakfast with my mom and dad. My Dad and I have learned to talk about her in her presence without upsetting her, which should qualify us for college level credit! But I asked him if he ever wondered why God gave him this life. He said no. He just thanks God for the chance to serve another day and provisions to do so. His life has purpose and he is thankful for that. I was stunned. I still am. I will be thinking about that for awhile and get back to you.
Of course he is right. God's kindness has allowed money to come back into my Dad's life through the VA and their financial burden has been greatly eased. They were within months of having no money at all. It seems like a tremendous gift to my brother as well considering he is going to jail soon and will not be able to continue to pay back his debt to my folks. (In fact, my father has received enough that he has forgiven my brother's debt entirely and perhaps now they can just be father and son.) Clearly God is providing for my family. Even my brother's new girlfriend is eager to help us during my brother's incarceration.
My husband came through for me as well. Before he returned from Italy he made good on his promises and we have been reunited.
So was it truly a train wreck or do I just not understand God's ways? I couldn't help but be reminded of this verse today "12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)
The section just before this talks about "serving with the strength God provides". I don't think I can explain this weekend better than that. I cried out to Jesus so many times to help me as I was sinking. This God stuff can be really hard.
So today I sleep, write and reflect (and go to the chiropractor!). Maybe tomorrow I will feel better and enjoy the blessings of this weekend rather than lament my battle scars. Come Jesus Come.
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